I don't want to miss the moments.......

A sweet mama to 6 beautiful kids has reminded me to step back away from everything that makes me fog....for me the term fog means I just go through motions like a robot, mostly a robot with panic disorder, anxiety, anger, jealousy, self pity and all the other roots of evil that haunt me..then the day is gone. I don't know where it went, what I did that impacted my children, my friends, my family, the World. God gave me 6 incredible people to watch over for Him........imagine that, for one second. GOD, the alpha and omega, the giver and the taker of all things...GOD himself. And I get one chance, one short life time, one time of babies, one season of toddlers, one stage of adolecents and one shot at teenagers...that is it, never to have again. When the day is gone, the opportunity is over, lost forever.
I chose the song Who am I to start playing on this blog because it humbles me to remember......who am I? That God would chose me? And what am I to my God if I don't cherish every single moment He gives me?
Pam, thank you............from the very bottom of my heart for making me see what I knew, but so easily forget. And why? Why forget? When that ALONE is where the JOY is???? Is there something in misery that is attractive that one would yearn for it?

The JOY is Christ. The JOY is knowing fully how blessed I am to have been given this life with my beautiful children, the JOY in knowing I can be a part of planting the seed of salvation within each of them, and the JOY of seeing, watching, learning and experiencing each day of life with them........and not missing it.

You can see the button on the right of my blog page here that says, "You're gonna miss this". That is Pam's page and I am linking in my post..........of something that happened with my kids that I didn't want to miss.

I went to dinner with my mother for the first time in years alone last night. As a matter of fact, we hadn't spent any time alone in many years. Quick visits, kids noise, busy schedules, but lately I just wanted my mama......I didn't want to say that to her though. She lost her mother when she was 16. She has probably spent seas of tears crying because she has wanted her mama over the years. So I asked her to spend some time with me alone....she was excited, so was I. We got in the car and the first thing I said was, lets make a vow to each other now, that we won't bitch about anything tonight. Tonight, we will talk about old memories, hopes for the future, what we love and hope to laugh. I know I needed that, and I think she did too.........and that is just what we did. We ate at Carrabba's. We shared thoughts, but mostly joked and hung out like friends. We shared some wine and stuffed ourselves like pigs! I felt like a part of my heart was healed from it...........why did it take so long? Why didn't I ask her sooner? Why didn't I make the time?
Doesn't matter now....now when I want my mama, Im gonna tell her.

One thing we talked about were my boys. Richard is 15, Jarrod 13. I have to say that I love this stage. They are the closest people to me right now I think. I wasn't easy on them when they were little..........everyone always said I was strict or whatever. I don't think it was that so much as it was Biblical. God commands children to obey their parents, and I cherished them to pieces, but they were my children and they were treated as such. I taught them to obey and they did......and it was the best thing I ever did because now that they are accountable mostly to God in this transition stage, we can be friends....and I just love being able to be friends with my teenage boys. They are soooooo much fun, I can feel how much they love me and I know they feel my love for them. they are soooooo awesome with the babies, which just melts my heart, and they truly hurt if I am ill or jump right in to help when they are needed. And "most" of the time I get a "yes mam, I would be happy to". They are funny, smart and gosh darn it good looking! (I know I am a bit bias, but you have to admit they are cute!!)
How blessed am I?

The boys and Presleigh



























Richard with cousin Grace













Jarrod and Santa at the Children's Choice Christmas Party












Jarrod with little sister Bronwyn and my mom (MiMi)




My mom with Zoe :)

Zoe

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I tried a new little something on Zo this morning after her bath and a handful of miss jessies curly pudding :)

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Twist OUT

Still not sure how to get the parts to fall back for this look.....would love to hear advice on that! But it sure looks cute! I took out the tiny bands this morning and finger combed her hair and she ran to the mirror and said, "momma, I just love my hair"........can you even imagine the joy I feel to hear her say that? Not because I don't think her hair is beautiful, but because I made the decision to loc her hair when she was this young...and I really believe she loves it as much as I do! And the rest of our family and friends!
The only complaint I have is people trying to get their hands all up in her hair ALL THE TIME! Well, white people that is. Being white, I understand if you never felt black hair you would be curious and you surely wouldn't be sticking your hands in an adult woman's head...but why is it they think it's ok to touch Cassidy's hair? She hates it and it really bothers me. I don't quite know why, but I don't like anyone putting their hands all over any of my kids......they aren't dogs to be pet!!
Come on now mama's.............give me a good one liner. Tell me what to say when someone tries messin in my girls hair. I don't want to be rude, cause I don't think they are intending to be rude......I just think they dno't know any better!
I know I opened a can of worms, but I am chompin at the bit to hear what you all have to tell me about this one!
Love you ladies for all you have been for us:) I read Cass every wonderful thing you all say to her and she loves looking at all your pictures to see what her locs are gonna look like when she's bigger:) It's a beautiful thing!
So here she is twist out!














































Our loctician says her hair is locking pretty quick
and should be pretty settled in about 4 more months.
Just curious if you can tell from the attempt at close up
pictures how far along it looks. I can tell some
areas are looking more loc'd than others, and some
ends have buds and the top doesn't have buds at
all yet.
Either way, it is looking amazing in my humble mama
opinion :)

Tried some knots today:)

Not sure if I ever mentioned, but Cassidy has
mostly large sisterlocks with mediums around
her face. I love the small and tiny ones, but they
are more fragile and high maintenance for
a toddler and I really think for Cass, her rounded
face and just loving the look of locks themselves,
this was the best choice for us. Lots of the girls
in the salon have the smalls and they look awesome,
but my favorite are Cassidy's.......cause I am a bit
partial being her mama and all :)

Re-Tightening!!!!

Here she is! Before and After! I can't believe how long her hair was afterwards! It took nearly 3 hours because I had waited too long and we had two locks that had to be fused together. Other than that, Denise said that her hair was locking very quickly and taking hold of this whole process really well!!
Mind you, I didn't style her hair AT ALL after the tightening because she had enough of people in her head, so it's a bit wild, and the Dora cake is because I promised her after sitting so long getting her hair done and being so good, she could pick out a cake :)

BEFORE

































AFTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!























































AND.............Zoe because she wanted to have her picture taken too!!

waited too long.....

Cass should've had her retightening by now, but her appt is on the 15th :) I can't wait!!!
We have one lock that is really weird and looking like it's holding on for dear life! Other than that, they are locking really fast and well!!! the back ones have sealed buds on the ends, the front top ones are fizzy ends still, but we are getting some length!!
Here are some Christmas pictures along with random pics and hair pics!

Back to the HAIR!! Almost 3 months locked!!

January 9th will be our 3 month locersary! And I have to say that I know from reading blogs and talking to lots of other ladies with locs that the first months can be a real difficult adjustment time...for us, it has been PURE BLISS!!!! We love love love them!!
Never one moment regret! I just hope and pray that all this continues as it continues to grow longer and longer :)

Here are some pictures of the last 2 weeks!












All 6 of the kids, Cass in the red making funny faces :)












On Santa's lap at a Christmas Party












Napping with Bree












Mama's girls!!












Tree decorating :)

Our Forever Family

I wanted to take some time here at 3AM to write down my thoughts before all too soon when I forget how I felt that day a child was to become a permenant member of our family.

In the most significant way, it won’t change a thing. Zoe has been home with us her whole life anyway…she is already my child in ever sense of the word. Except through the state of PA of course.

I was speaking to my mom lastnight in tears and couldn’t figure out what my problem is. I am overjoyed with a happiness you could never understand unless you have lived this, but at the same time there is a little fear that things won’t go smoothly…..because this whole process teaches you that things rarely go as planned…so your body and mind can’t help but to fear.

But more than that, there are these feelings of overwhelming emotion that I didn’t expect. More than two years ago, I got the call to pick this medically fragile baby up from Einstine Hospital’s NEONATAL dept. Of course I went. While there, they had to train me on her machines and bagging her. She had almost died 3 days prior along with many times before that during her 3 month stay there.

Somehow there was peace for me that day…no fear. God was there. They finally took me to see her and with all the babies in the room, at first glace I knew which one she was. Still hooked to oxygen and monitors, I reached down to pick her up, layed her on my chest and that second she was my daughter.

The next year of her life brought about many many sleepless nights. Many many episodes of times I wouldn’t wish on anyone…..when she would turn color, stop breathing and nearly pass………her brain was trying to reaborb the blood from hemmorage and many transfussions, tests, infections, under delveloped lungs, RDS, etc etc………and her teeny tiny body was fighting for life.

How could a mother sleep, when watching her breathe was all I could think about?

Well over 340 hours of therapy followed in the next years, not knowing how extensive her brain had been damaged. Trips to Phila CHOP and specialists for her care on a bi weekly basis………….writing this reminds me of how long ago it seems now, though it wasn’t. She is only 30 months. Her body has healed beyond ANYONE’s expectations….mine, however, has taken a bit of a toll.

I have been blessed….but is hasn’t been an easy road. Court dates every few months, scares of losing her to someone else, scares of losing her to death. I do not walk away from today the same person I walked in.

I am older, wiser, more compassionate, and able to give more of myself than ever before. I am also more scared as I learned first hand how fragile life really is. I am more aware of how much work needs to be done within my family and within the system of family services in PA. I am far more open to children with disabilities. I am quicker to stand up for my kids. (Go ahead white lady and "pet" my child's hair...I am so over being quiet and these are just the little things that will grow into big things as they grow and need me to stand firmly behind them) I am more anxious and less organized…..the house is probably a little more messy. I am more in love with my husband than I have ever been and more proud of my other 5 children than i ever thought possible.

Most of all, I am in love for the 6th time to this beaitful gift from God who has taught me more than I could ever repay, blessed me more than I could ever return, and who has without reservation given to me the gift of her unconditional love, which is priceless.

Today she became

Zoe Sindisiwe Thea Stengel

officially and FOREVER. Today is one of the best days of our life as a family.

Thank you Lord!

BTW Thandi, I thought of you in the court room!! You should've heard the judge trying to pronounce her middle name!!! heehee, it was funny :)